Users are Losers
by lostmerlinfic
Summary: lost sparky77 fic


Uther Pendragon keeps the world safe.

That s what Arthur has been told since he was a baby. His father told him this as a reason why he was never home. His tutors told him this any time Arthur questioned well pretty much anything.

Why is father so mean? Arthur had asked when he was young and he had been told: He s a great man who works hard to keep us all safe. Why can t I stay up late? Your father doesn t want you to and he s a great man. Why can t I watch the telly? Your father doesn t want you watching that trash and he s a great man, so you must always do as he says.

Even random people on the street love to tell Arthur how amazing his father is, and how lucky Arthur is to be related to him. Arthur sometimes wonders if these people really think his father is all that great or if they re just afraid of him.

Mostly, Arthur just thinks the world is conspiring to prevent him from ever having any fun.

Uther Pendragon is the world s greatest bounty hunter. He hunts down suspected magic users and brings them in. As a child Arthur was never told exactly where they were taken to, just that it was somewhere away, somewhere safe. He figured out pretty quickly that away meant dead.

Everyone always assumed that Arthur would follow in his father s footsteps, even Arthur. There really weren t any other options when you were Uther Pendragon s son.

Magic users are dangerous. They re unstable. The magic rots their brains, causing them to become criminally insane. There were pictures of it in all of Arthur s school books. This is your brain. This is your brain on magic. Any questions and there s a good chance you ll be taken away.

Magic users are a drain on society. Magic users corrupt children. Magic users make babies cry and the sun hide behind the clouds. The world would be a safer, happier place if all magic users just disappeared. That s what the commercials say. That s what the billboards say. That s even what Arthur s mobile says every time he switches it on.

His first assignment is supposed to be easy.

It s just some boy, his father says dismissively as he tosses a file folder at Arthur. You ll be home in time for supper.

The boy s name is Merlin. At least that s the name he s currently using. According to his papers, he changes his name a lot. He is pale in his picture, with a mop of messy black hair, and he s smiling the silliest grin Arthur has ever seen, like he knows the greatest secret and he s just waiting to tell you. That, or just laugh in your face. He doesn t look like a dangerous magic user, he looks like a fool.

Appearance aside, he s a suspected magic user, a known thief, and under suspicion of treason. He s considered very dangerous and has eluded all previous attempts at capture, fourteen of them on record. Clearly his father s definition of an easy assignment and Arthur s differ greatly.

Arthur's eyes keep going back to Merlin s picture. Not the smile, but the eyes. They re bright blue and seem to be laughing with far more sincerity than his smile. Arthur wonders if they ll be that blue in person.

It takes Arthur three days to track down Merlin. His father rings him five times. He says it s because he s worried about Arthur and wants to make sure he s okay, but Arthur knows it s because his father is wondering what s taking Arthur so long. This is supposed to be an easy assignment after all. His father would have been home by tea on the first day.

Arthur is doing the best he can, but Merlin is a slippery bastard who seems to be able to get people to lie for him, even to Uther Pendragon s son.

When Arthur eventually finds him, Merlin is eating chips in a seedy neighbourhood pub, sprawled out in a booth like he doesn t have a care in the world. He looks right up when Arthur walks in the door and grins at him, the same stupid grin from his picture. I got hungry. It was taking you forever to find me.

Arthur opens his mouth to say something, but nothing comes out.

Merlin frowns at him. You re not very good at this are you?

Arthur blinks and when he opens his eyes, Merlin is gone.

One quick glance at the way everyone else in the pub is studiously avoiding his gaze tells him that everyone in there will claim to never have seen anyone matching Merlin s description.

His father could make them talk, but Arthur is not his father, and he s pretty sure he doesn t want to be.

The second time, Merlin finds him. He s waiting for Arthur in his hotel room. He s sitting on Arthur s bed and ripping up the hotel stationary into little pieces with long nimble fingers, and a grim determination that suggests the paper has somehow personally offended him.

His dirty trainers are unlaced. His threadbare jeans have at least three holes that Arthur can see and appear to be staying on Merlin s hips by sheer will alone. He doesn t look dangerous. He looks like a street rat, and an especially seedy one at that.

Arthur has a gun, has two in fact, and three knives, and some enchanted rope, and everything he could possibly need to bring Merlin in. Instead he just stares until Merlin looks up at him and smiles the same goofy grin.

When you were five, you tried to rescue a baby dragon and make it your pet.

What? Arthur says. No, I didn t.

You thought about it. Your father had taken you out hunting, all helicopters, machine guns, and loud noises. You hated it. He killed a dragon that day. There was a baby in a nest nearby. You thought the baby was brilliant and you wanted to take him home, but you were too scared to say anything to your father.

How the bloody hell do you know that? Arthur demands. I never told anyone that.

Oh, I know a lot about you. Destiny and all that crap, Merlin says with a particularly vicious rip to the stationary paper.

Destiny is outlawed, you know, Arthur says.

Merlin laughs. You try telling destiny that, Merlin says, and Arthur doesn t even blink this time could have sworn he didn t blink but suddenly Merlin isn t there any more, just a pile of ripped-up paper falling gently to the hotel room floor.

The third time Arthur sees Merlin, it s at a club and Arthur has had quite enough. He grabs Merlin by the arm and pulls him through the club and out the back, and throws him against the alley wall.

You re being hunted by a bounty hunter and you decide to go dancing? Arthur demands.

Well, you re not very good, are you? Merlin says.

He s breathing hard, but Arthur doesn t think it s from being dragged out into the alley. There s a bead of sweat trickling down the side of Merlin s face and his shirt is sticking to him like he s been dancing in the hot club for a long time.

Besides, Merlin says, If you re going to bring me in, I might as well have one last night of fun, right?

Arthur isn t really paying attention to what Merlin is saying. He caught a flash of silver in Merlin s mouth when he was talking. Merlin has a tongue ring. Of course, he does. Arthur has never met anyone with a tongue ring before.

It s possible he says the last part out loud.

Merlin is staring at him with something that looks vaguely like pity. You re very sheltered, aren t you?

Oh, shut up, Arthur snaps.

Merlin rolls his eyes. Will you get on with your Bounty Huntering or whatever it is you feel you need to do to earn your father s love, who s a total bastard by the way and doesn t deserve anything from you except for maybe a swift kick in the arse. I ve got places to be. I can t wait around for you all night.

Arthur stares at Merlin for a moment, and then responds to the only things he is certain of in Merlin s flurry of words. Huntering is not a word, and you can t speak about my father like that.

If you say so, Merlin shrugs.

Arthur is still gripping Merlin by the arm and, in theory, he knows about seventeen ways to subdue Merlin and bring him in. Instead he asks, Why did you get a tongue ring?

Arthur didn t know it was possible to raise an eyebrow in an indecent manner, but whatever it is Merlin is doing with his eyebrows right now is filthy enough to make Arthur blush.

It must be some sort of spell.

It has to be because Arthur finds himself tightening his grip on Merlin s arm and leaning in to close the distance between them. Merlin s lips are right up against Arthur s. There was a whole chapter about this in his bounty hunting books, and a rather uncomfortable father to son talk, but right now Arthur really doesn t care.

It s definitely a spell that makes Arthur press his lips against Merlin s. Merlin responds enthusiastically, yanking Arthur even closer and pulling his mouth free from Arthur s, so that he can attach his mouth to Arthur s neck.

For a moment, Arthur lets himself relax into the feel of Merlin mouthing his neck and whispering words into Arthur s ear that he can t understand but he knows are insanely dirty. Then he feels Merlin s hand sliding under his shirt and inching towards where Arthur has secured a knife. He comes quickly to his senses and shoves Merlin away, while trying not to think how good Merlin s hand felt resting against his stomach.

What kind of spell have you cast on me? Arthur demands.

No spell, Merlin says, breathing hard. Arthur is most definitely not noticing how Merlin is staring at Arthur s neck like he s planning an attack. Just destiny.

Destiny doesn t make you kiss strange men in alleyways, Arthur objects.

Maybe not in your neighbourhood. It happens in mine all the time, Merlin grins.

Arthur definitely does not feel anything like jealousy at the thought of Merlin experiencing destiny with other people in other alleyways.

Let me go, Merlin says, suddenly very serious.

I can t, Arthur says, and he s surprised to find he actually regrets that fact.

You do, Merlin says.

What?

You do let me go. I can see the future, you know. Well, bits of it, anyway, never the lottery numbers or the football results, Merlin explains. And I ve seen all the fantastic sex we re going to have.

You can see the future and you use the ability to watch porn? Arthur asks. He s refusing to think about the fact that he s apparently the star of Merlin s future porn.

I see lots of things. I just pay the most attention to the porn, Merlin explains.

Of course you do, Arthur sighs.

Listen, Merlin says. I m going to make this easy for you. I m just going to disappear. Tell your father that I was already dead.

I m just supposed to do what you say? Arthur demands. And you claim this isn t a spell?

Merlin shrugs and then suddenly Arthur is gripping nothing at all.

Arthur tells his father that Merlin was already dead. He doesn t think he s very convincing, but he s not sure his father is capable of believing that anyone would dare lie to him, so it all works out.

Arthur tries his best not to obsess about Merlin, but it s difficult when he has increasingly pornographic dreams about Merlin every night. He s pretty suspicious of these dreams, considering how they re remarkably vivid and take place in places Arthur has never been to before. He often wakes up with songs he s never heard before stuck in his head, and one morning he wakes up with the taste of chocolate in his mouth and the growing suspicion that along with Merlin s other flaws, he s something of a pervert.

Arthur should probably tell his father about all this, but if Arthur can t have fun in his real life, at least he can have fun in his dreams.

Arthur s next three assignments go perfectly. They're textbook cases of people driven criminally insane by magic use, and all of them are engaging in various plots to poison water supplies, assassinate important world leaders, and generally cause mischief and mayhem. None of them complicate things by trying to talk to Arthur about destiny and porn. And most importantly, none of them have bright blue, laughing eyes.

Arthur brings in the third one in less than twenty-four hours, a notoriously dangerous magic user who has eluded twenty-three previous attempts at capture. Even his father seems vaguely impressed.

The forth one, however, gets a bit tricky. Arthur feels strongly that calling up lightning from a perfectly clear blue sky is cheating, but he doesn t have time to raise any objections before he finds himself thrown to the ground, with Merlin covering him, eyes blazing bright yellow. He s saying unkind things about Arthur, his intelligence, and his heritage that are very much not true, and Arthur would object, but Merlin is also somehow sheltering him from strike after strike of lightning.

The area around them is charged with electricity. Merlin s hair is standing on end, but Arthur is perfectly safe, if somewhat crushed, because Merlin seems to think that the only way to keep him safe is to be covering every inch of him.

Finally, the lightning strikes stop, and Merlin rolls off Arthur. Arthur opens his mouth to say something, but Merlin covers it with his hand and gives Arthur a stern look. Merlin apparently wants Arthur to stay put while Merlin investigates. That is not happening, so Arthur rolls his eyes at Merlin and tries to pulls Merlin s hand off his mouth. They re shoving at each other when Arthur sees something out of the corner of his eye, and shoves Merlin to the ground.

Apparently getting struck by lightning hurts, a lot.

When he comes to, Merlin is stroking his hair and muttering about how destiny never told him that Arthur would be such an idiot, and that the next time he met destiny, he was going to punch it in the face.

Ow? Arthur says tentatively

Why did you do that? Merlin demands.

He was going to zap you with his zappy thing, Arthur says vaguely. He s not in all that much pain, but he tingles all over. He s thinking maybe he s in some sort of shock.

You idiot, Merlin says with great intensity. And then he s crawling on top of Arthur and kissing him like both of their lives depend on it. Arthur eventually passes out with the comforting weight of Merlin on top of him. When he wakes up, Merlin is gone.

All that remains of Assignment #4 is a pile of ash and a charred boot. It s a bit ostentatious. Arthur wonders if Merlin is trying to make a point, and who exactly he s making the point to.

Arthur s dreams are particularly vivid that night and involve being tied to his bed, having Merlin lick and suck at his cock until Arthur is begging Merlin to let him come. It s torture, and Arthur s not sure he really deserves it. He did save Merlin s life, but on the other hand, he totally gets the tongue ring now.

Arthur is sure that Merlin is sleeping curled up beside him, with an arm flung possessively over Arthur s chest, when he first wakes up, but he falls back to sleep, and when he wakes up again the space next to him isn t even warm. His wrists are sore, though, and there s a bruise on his neck, right under his ear, like someone has spent a great deal of time sucking on that exact point.

Arthur s fifth assignment is Merlin. His father doesn t say much when he throws the folder at Arthur, with maybe a bit more force than necessary. Just a dry, Make sure he really is dead this time.

Arthur nods. You don t argue with Uther Pendragon. You just do what he says.

He finds Merlin in the same pub. He s sprawled in the same booth wearing the same stupid jeans. This time, though, he has two portions of chips.

Hungry? Arthur asks, sitting next to him.

Merlin pushes one of the chips over to Arthur. One s for you.

Arthur s not sure what to say. He eats his chips instead.

So, Merlin finally says. Have you ever considered a career besides bounty hunting?

No, Arthur says. He really hasn t. It never occurred to him that he has other choices.

May I suggest porn star? Merlin says.

Arthur throws a chip at him.

Rent boy?

Arthur throws one of Merlin s chips at him.

Astronaut? Merlin asks.

What?

All little boys want to be astronauts.

Not me, Arthur says. There are no magic users to hunt in space.

Arthur s mobile rings. No one has that number except for Arthur s father.

Or, Merlin says thoughtfully, staring at the ringing phone. Maybe you can just be a different kind of bounty hunter, one who s a bit more discerning in your choice of cases.

Start my own business? Arthur suggests.

Yes, exactly, Merlin says. And I d help out, of course. Help you choose your assignment, make sure you don t get yourself killed.

This is a destiny thing, isn t it? Arthur asks.

Merlin shrugs.

The mobile is still ringing in Arthur s hand. My father? Arthur asks.

Merlin grabs the mobile from Arthur and smashes it against the wall. It s very satisfying for Arthur to watch.

Come on, Merlin says, grabbing at Arthur s wrist. We ve got places to be, people to save, monsters to hunt.

Destiny awaits? Arthur asks.

Fuck destiny, Merlin laughs. I m just here to have fun.

I m pretty sure you are exactly who all the brochures, commercials, and billboards have been warning me against. Arthur says, as he lets Merlin pull him out of the pub.

Merlin pushes him against the wall outside the pub. Is that a problem?

Not at all, Arthur says and kisses him. He pauses for a second to ask, You re not going to disappear on me, are you?

Never, I promise, Merlin says.

It s a far more serious vow than Arthur was expecting, and he doesn t quite know how to respond, but then Merlin grins. We still have far too much sex to have for me to think about disappearing on you.

Do I ever get to see these supposed visions of the future that you ve had? Arthur asks.

No, but I can show you, Merlin says.

I bet you can, Arthur smirks.

It s possible that Arthur is a perfect case study for the dangers of magic users, and why destiny has been outlawed: a tragic tale of a good boy, with a promising future, who has been completely corrupted by magic. He s sure that s what his father will say. If it can happen to Uther Pendragon s son, then it can happen to anyone.

Things are about to get very messy and it s possible that Arthur is about to be led into a den of sin, depravity, and perversion like he can t even imagine. But right now, with Merlin pressed up against him and laughing into his neck, as he whispers into Arthur s ear about all their supposed future sex, Arthur can t bring himself to care. 


End file.
